I am only writing this because I know that none of you really have the time to read my looooooong blog entries. But you know sometimes you need to talk to someone who just sits there and nods without saying anything. Blogger is my ‘that’ friend (and so are you if you are reading this). I talk (type) and it nods (publishes).
Having said that, you may choose to read or not to read the following thoughts that may only make sense to me and I am really writing because I need to clear my head and writing helps me do that and I will not feel offended at whatever decision you take!
I went to the inauguration of a bookstore the other day. Why? 4 reasons.
1. Two authors would be present and I have never actually met a published author in person.
2. The bookstore happens to be Crosswords which I absolutely LOVE and I am absolutely ecstatic that they have opened so close to home.
3. I simply felt like sitting amongst some books.
4. Crosswords conned me into believing that I could claim a ten percent discount using a little pamphlet which came in the newspaper. Apparentely I missed the tiny *Conditions apply on it. Cons. It was just a publicity stint and I totally fell for it, but whatever. I am glad because it led me to something else anyway.
I met the two authors (Shashi Deshpande and Shakti Murty – don’t worry, I had never heard of them before either!) I even considered buying a signed copy of one of their books. I didn’t. I read the first couple of pages and they didn’t have me and whether or not it is a good way to judge a book that is how I judge a book. The blurb said that the book was a compilation of stories or under-privileged individuals who out shined their difficulties but from the first story it seemed more like the book was about the good deeds the author did for them. Okay fair enough, stories should be told but it was just not really appealing to me and so I left the book where I picked it up and made a bee-line towards Paulo Coelho instead. I love him. He is probably my favourite author. He is fantastic and also quite easy to read. A little eccentric perhaps and I also strongly disagree with some of the things that he writes about but that is precisely why I love him. He makes me think and even have debates with myself about some things.
His latest work, which I bought, is called ‘Like the flowing river’ and is nothing more than a collection of his random thoughts and reflections. Great. I love reading random thoughts and reflections that’s why I love reading blogs!
Anyway, one of his thoughts had me thinking. It goes something like this:
“Today I have absolutely nothing that requires my attention.
I feel uneasy. Shouldn’t I be doing something? Well, if I wanted to invent work, that wouldn’t take much effort. We all have projects to develop, light bulbs to change, leaves to sweep, books to put away, files to organize. But how about just facing up to the void?
……
A series of thoughts cross my mind: friends who worry about things that haven’t yet happened; acquaintances that manage to fill every minute of their lives with tasks that seem to be absurd; senseless conversations; long telephone calls in which of any importance is ever said; bosses who invent work in order to justify their jobs; officials who feel afraid because they have been given nothing important to do that day, which might mean that they are no longer useful; mothers who torment themselves because their children have gone out for the evening; students who torment themselves over their studies, over tests and exams.
……
The wind is still blowing very hard, and I know that it’s cold and rainy, and that tomorrow I might perhaps need to go buy some glue. I’m not doing anything, and yet I’m also doing the most important thing a man can do: I’m listening to what I needed to hear from myself.”
- Paulo Coelho
Listening to what I need to hear from myself:
I am scared of being alone and having nothing to do. Why?
1. Because I need God. Desperately. And when I am alone and have nothing to do I feel that need even more desperately and I search but I don’t seem to find anything. I don’t hear any answers to the millions of questions I have. I don’t hear anything because I am too distracted and end up thinking about the things that I need to do and just could do to take up some time.
Answer: The world can survive without me! Somebody once said “There is a God shaped hole in every heart which can only be filled by God.” How true that is!!!
2. I’m in love. I’m not sure what that means, where that leads to, whether I have any reason to, whether there’s any point to it, whether I should or not, whether I should even think about it… but I do know that in lying to myself about it I am not being stronger, wiser, nor am I making my life any easier. Lying to myself about it is just that: lying.
Answer: It doesn’t matter. Why does love have to have reasons, labels, expectations, conditions, be bound by relationships? Does Jesus have any reason to love us on our own? Sinful, hurtful and rebellious as we are? And yet He does. Does love have to have any reason? Do I have to have a reason, a motive? Do I have to see a future? As of now, I just do (love) and that’s it. It is as simple as that. Why are human beings, or rather why AM I always looking to make things more complicated than they need to be? And anyhow, I don’t want to know the future.
3. I am useless. While all my friends are busy doing something or the other; studying, working, traveling, etc etc, here I am at home. Reading, watching movies, blogging and wasting a lot of time on the net.
Answer: I do not regret one bit taking a year off. Let the world say and think that I am wasting a year but I would not have changed my decision. If there has ever been any decision that I have been completely convinced of, it is this: taking a year off. I even remember the moment very clearly; the moment that I took that decision. In a “parallel world” I too would be at Glendon campus probably seeing Ankit everyday and telling my friends about all the work I have to do, and how wonderful it is to see snow finally and how wonderful autumn is and how I went to a party last night and so on. On the other hand, I would not be able to see my brother trying on his tuxedo and swinging his shawl Shah Rukh Khan style, helping to pick the menu, send wedding cards, find a new friend in my sister-in-law to be, watch how much this means to my mother, cry and realize how much my dad loves me and learn that the worst and most dangerous impression that most people who claim to believe in Jesus Christ tend to give off is arrogance. I know I did. We need to remember that OUR qualities do not make us any better than anybody else and nobody has the right to judge. The only person who can look at the heart is God. Oh I have learnt so many things that the best university in the world could not teach me. Perhaps I will do those things that I could be doing and would like to be doing at Uni some day. But this is what I know I am meant to be doing right now. Perhaps not to every detail, but with my family is where I know I should be now.
So I guess I do get some answers but I just am too scared to spend enough time with myself to listen to them.
I bought this great bookmark at Vibes while I was in Ooty.
Having said that, you may choose to read or not to read the following thoughts that may only make sense to me and I am really writing because I need to clear my head and writing helps me do that and I will not feel offended at whatever decision you take!
I went to the inauguration of a bookstore the other day. Why? 4 reasons.
1. Two authors would be present and I have never actually met a published author in person.
2. The bookstore happens to be Crosswords which I absolutely LOVE and I am absolutely ecstatic that they have opened so close to home.
3. I simply felt like sitting amongst some books.
4. Crosswords conned me into believing that I could claim a ten percent discount using a little pamphlet which came in the newspaper. Apparentely I missed the tiny *Conditions apply on it. Cons. It was just a publicity stint and I totally fell for it, but whatever. I am glad because it led me to something else anyway.
I met the two authors (Shashi Deshpande and Shakti Murty – don’t worry, I had never heard of them before either!) I even considered buying a signed copy of one of their books. I didn’t. I read the first couple of pages and they didn’t have me and whether or not it is a good way to judge a book that is how I judge a book. The blurb said that the book was a compilation of stories or under-privileged individuals who out shined their difficulties but from the first story it seemed more like the book was about the good deeds the author did for them. Okay fair enough, stories should be told but it was just not really appealing to me and so I left the book where I picked it up and made a bee-line towards Paulo Coelho instead. I love him. He is probably my favourite author. He is fantastic and also quite easy to read. A little eccentric perhaps and I also strongly disagree with some of the things that he writes about but that is precisely why I love him. He makes me think and even have debates with myself about some things.
His latest work, which I bought, is called ‘Like the flowing river’ and is nothing more than a collection of his random thoughts and reflections. Great. I love reading random thoughts and reflections that’s why I love reading blogs!
Anyway, one of his thoughts had me thinking. It goes something like this:
“Today I have absolutely nothing that requires my attention.
I feel uneasy. Shouldn’t I be doing something? Well, if I wanted to invent work, that wouldn’t take much effort. We all have projects to develop, light bulbs to change, leaves to sweep, books to put away, files to organize. But how about just facing up to the void?
……
A series of thoughts cross my mind: friends who worry about things that haven’t yet happened; acquaintances that manage to fill every minute of their lives with tasks that seem to be absurd; senseless conversations; long telephone calls in which of any importance is ever said; bosses who invent work in order to justify their jobs; officials who feel afraid because they have been given nothing important to do that day, which might mean that they are no longer useful; mothers who torment themselves because their children have gone out for the evening; students who torment themselves over their studies, over tests and exams.
……
The wind is still blowing very hard, and I know that it’s cold and rainy, and that tomorrow I might perhaps need to go buy some glue. I’m not doing anything, and yet I’m also doing the most important thing a man can do: I’m listening to what I needed to hear from myself.”
- Paulo Coelho
Listening to what I need to hear from myself:
I am scared of being alone and having nothing to do. Why?
1. Because I need God. Desperately. And when I am alone and have nothing to do I feel that need even more desperately and I search but I don’t seem to find anything. I don’t hear any answers to the millions of questions I have. I don’t hear anything because I am too distracted and end up thinking about the things that I need to do and just could do to take up some time.
Answer: The world can survive without me! Somebody once said “There is a God shaped hole in every heart which can only be filled by God.” How true that is!!!
2. I’m in love. I’m not sure what that means, where that leads to, whether I have any reason to, whether there’s any point to it, whether I should or not, whether I should even think about it… but I do know that in lying to myself about it I am not being stronger, wiser, nor am I making my life any easier. Lying to myself about it is just that: lying.
Answer: It doesn’t matter. Why does love have to have reasons, labels, expectations, conditions, be bound by relationships? Does Jesus have any reason to love us on our own? Sinful, hurtful and rebellious as we are? And yet He does. Does love have to have any reason? Do I have to have a reason, a motive? Do I have to see a future? As of now, I just do (love) and that’s it. It is as simple as that. Why are human beings, or rather why AM I always looking to make things more complicated than they need to be? And anyhow, I don’t want to know the future.
3. I am useless. While all my friends are busy doing something or the other; studying, working, traveling, etc etc, here I am at home. Reading, watching movies, blogging and wasting a lot of time on the net.
Answer: I do not regret one bit taking a year off. Let the world say and think that I am wasting a year but I would not have changed my decision. If there has ever been any decision that I have been completely convinced of, it is this: taking a year off. I even remember the moment very clearly; the moment that I took that decision. In a “parallel world” I too would be at Glendon campus probably seeing Ankit everyday and telling my friends about all the work I have to do, and how wonderful it is to see snow finally and how wonderful autumn is and how I went to a party last night and so on. On the other hand, I would not be able to see my brother trying on his tuxedo and swinging his shawl Shah Rukh Khan style, helping to pick the menu, send wedding cards, find a new friend in my sister-in-law to be, watch how much this means to my mother, cry and realize how much my dad loves me and learn that the worst and most dangerous impression that most people who claim to believe in Jesus Christ tend to give off is arrogance. I know I did. We need to remember that OUR qualities do not make us any better than anybody else and nobody has the right to judge. The only person who can look at the heart is God. Oh I have learnt so many things that the best university in the world could not teach me. Perhaps I will do those things that I could be doing and would like to be doing at Uni some day. But this is what I know I am meant to be doing right now. Perhaps not to every detail, but with my family is where I know I should be now.
So I guess I do get some answers but I just am too scared to spend enough time with myself to listen to them.
I bought this great bookmark at Vibes while I was in Ooty.
I should really take that advice
Later,
1 comment:
Tina, I really enjoy reading your blogs and kinda look forward to the next post. It was great to read your philosophical musings and THINK about them. I like the way you've listened to yourself and reasoned things out with the insight from the Bible.
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