Dear Diary,

I love writing. I guess that’s just stating the obvious but I need to state it, or I feel I need to state it. I love writing.

I don’t love it in the sort of way that I HAVE to write all the time or even CAN write all the time but there are times when I really FEEL like writing. And sometimes I can’t write if I don’t feel that. Sometimes I am just so overflowing with thoughts that I have to sort them somehow and writing seems to be the best way.

From the age of twelve or thirteen I got into the habit of keeping a diary and when I look at them it seems so silly how I used to write things in codes so nobody else would understand but what is nice is that I can still understand those codes!! I can still tell that the moon is actually my crush and other such silly things. I used to write in a code, for an obvious reason: I was terrified of anybody finding out about my deepest, darkest secrets.

I still am in a habit of keeping a diary. Although I’ve stopped writing “Dear Diary…” and am so not consistent with it which is why I hate having dated diaries because it seems like such a waste of paper having huge gaps between the earliest and the latest post.

I think it’s a great habit though. Its fantastic to see how much I have changed over the last few years. It’s a good reminder of the things that I need to be thankful for, and also the things that I should never do again.

And also, it makes sense of the thing that Meg likes to say. “If something doesn’t kill you, it’ll make you funnier.” I have a good laugh about some of the things that used to worry me in ninth grade or even a few months ago!

Sometimes when I read an entry about a difficult time, I can also see how God was there, even though he seemed so distant at the time. Things begin to make sense too. Some things that happened in the past and didn’t seem to make sense just fit perfectly in the now. Just think back and remember, He was there.

He is always there.

Romans 8:28 “For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are fitting into his plan.”

Tears may last the night, but joy comes in the morning...

I am only writing this because I know that none of you really have the time to read my looooooong blog entries. But you know sometimes you need to talk to someone who just sits there and nods without saying anything. Blogger is my ‘that’ friend (and so are you if you are reading this). I talk (type) and it nods (publishes).

Having said that, you may choose to read or not to read the following thoughts that may only make sense to me and I am really writing because I need to clear my head and writing helps me do that and I will not feel offended at whatever decision you take!

I went to the inauguration of a bookstore the other day. Why? 4 reasons.
1. Two authors would be present and I have never actually met a published author in person.
2. The bookstore happens to be Crosswords which I absolutely LOVE and I am absolutely ecstatic that they have opened so close to home.
3. I simply felt like sitting amongst some books.
4. Crosswords conned me into believing that I could claim a ten percent discount using a little pamphlet which came in the newspaper. Apparentely I missed the tiny *Conditions apply on it. Cons. It was just a publicity stint and I totally fell for it, but whatever. I am glad because it led me to something else anyway.

I met the two authors (Shashi Deshpande and Shakti Murty – don’t worry, I had never heard of them before either!) I even considered buying a signed copy of one of their books. I didn’t. I read the first couple of pages and they didn’t have me and whether or not it is a good way to judge a book that is how I judge a book. The blurb said that the book was a compilation of stories or under-privileged individuals who out shined their difficulties but from the first story it seemed more like the book was about the good deeds the author did for them. Okay fair enough, stories should be told but it was just not really appealing to me and so I left the book where I picked it up and made a bee-line towards Paulo Coelho instead. I love him. He is probably my favourite author. He is fantastic and also quite easy to read. A little eccentric perhaps and I also strongly disagree with some of the things that he writes about but that is precisely why I love him. He makes me think and even have debates with myself about some things.

His latest work, which I bought, is called ‘Like the flowing river’ and is nothing more than a collection of his random thoughts and reflections. Great. I love reading random thoughts and reflections that’s why I love reading blogs!

Anyway, one of his thoughts had me thinking. It goes something like this:
“Today I have absolutely nothing that requires my attention.
I feel uneasy. Shouldn’t I be doing something? Well, if I wanted to invent work, that wouldn’t take much effort. We all have projects to develop, light bulbs to change, leaves to sweep, books to put away, files to organize. But how about just facing up to the void?
……
A series of thoughts cross my mind: friends who worry about things that haven’t yet happened; acquaintances that manage to fill every minute of their lives with tasks that seem to be absurd; senseless conversations; long telephone calls in which of any importance is ever said; bosses who invent work in order to justify their jobs; officials who feel afraid because they have been given nothing important to do that day, which might mean that they are no longer useful; mothers who torment themselves because their children have gone out for the evening; students who torment themselves over their studies, over tests and exams.
……
The wind is still blowing very hard, and I know that it’s cold and rainy, and that tomorrow I might perhaps need to go buy some glue. I’m not doing anything, and yet I’m also doing the most important thing a man can do: I’m listening to what I needed to hear from myself.”
- Paulo Coelho

Listening to what I need to hear from myself:

I am scared of being alone and having nothing to do. Why?
1. Because I need God. Desperately. And when I am alone and have nothing to do I feel that need even more desperately and I search but I don’t seem to find anything. I don’t hear any answers to the millions of questions I have. I don’t hear anything because I am too distracted and end up thinking about the things that I need to do and just could do to take up some time.

Answer: The world can survive without me! Somebody once said “There is a God shaped hole in every heart which can only be filled by God.” How true that is!!!

2. I’m in love. I’m not sure what that means, where that leads to, whether I have any reason to, whether there’s any point to it, whether I should or not, whether I should even think about it… but I do know that in lying to myself about it I am not being stronger, wiser, nor am I making my life any easier. Lying to myself about it is just that: lying.

Answer: It doesn’t matter. Why does love have to have reasons, labels, expectations, conditions, be bound by relationships? Does Jesus have any reason to love us on our own? Sinful, hurtful and rebellious as we are? And yet He does. Does love have to have any reason? Do I have to have a reason, a motive? Do I have to see a future? As of now, I just do (love) and that’s it. It is as simple as that. Why are human beings, or rather why AM I always looking to make things more complicated than they need to be? And anyhow, I don’t want to know the future.

3. I am useless. While all my friends are busy doing something or the other; studying, working, traveling, etc etc, here I am at home. Reading, watching movies, blogging and wasting a lot of time on the net.

Answer: I do not regret one bit taking a year off. Let the world say and think that I am wasting a year but I would not have changed my decision. If there has ever been any decision that I have been completely convinced of, it is this: taking a year off. I even remember the moment very clearly; the moment that I took that decision. In a “parallel world” I too would be at Glendon campus probably seeing Ankit everyday and telling my friends about all the work I have to do, and how wonderful it is to see snow finally and how wonderful autumn is and how I went to a party last night and so on. On the other hand, I would not be able to see my brother trying on his tuxedo and swinging his shawl Shah Rukh Khan style, helping to pick the menu, send wedding cards, find a new friend in my sister-in-law to be, watch how much this means to my mother, cry and realize how much my dad loves me and learn that the worst and most dangerous impression that most people who claim to believe in Jesus Christ tend to give off is arrogance. I know I did. We need to remember that OUR qualities do not make us any better than anybody else and nobody has the right to judge. The only person who can look at the heart is God. Oh I have learnt so many things that the best university in the world could not teach me. Perhaps I will do those things that I could be doing and would like to be doing at Uni some day. But this is what I know I am meant to be doing right now. Perhaps not to every detail, but with my family is where I know I should be now.

So I guess I do get some answers but I just am too scared to spend enough time with myself to listen to them.
I bought this great bookmark at Vibes while I was in Ooty.

I should really take that advice
Later,

Stamps!

Going through my trunk of "junk" yesterday I found my stamp collection and inevitably spend about an hour just looking at all my stamps when I should have been studying some German!

I found some really interesting stuff. Apparentely my collection is pretty extensive!! I mean I have stamps from Poland and Yemen Arab Republic and Romania and Nicargua amongst others!!

Here are some pics...

Check this one out. From back in the day when Zambia was called Northern Rhodesia under the British rule. The three countries, Zambia, Zimbabwe (then Southern Rhodesia) and Malawi (then Nyasaland) were joined to make the Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland and the British basically sucked out all the money from the three and reigned supreme until the countries gained their independence in the 1960's. Pretty much the same story everywhere, apparentely!

Chivalry lives!

Hmmmm, so I got conned into updating my blog to beta but so far I don't see any significant changes but whatever.
Wow. Its getting pretty crazy at home. Things sort of kicked into fifth gear once my mum got back and we realised how much we have to do and in so little time. Its less than a month away now. The wedding. Incase you were wondering. And I still am working on getting those applications over and done with. I'm getting a little tired of responding to the question, "So, what are you doing?" with "Uhhh, writing an essay." I'm almost done. Almost. I just have these two essays that I just can't finish. I don't know why.
I've been going a lot to the post office too. I used to hate it at first. Cause there's this one lady who sits there with a very stern face and the first time I met her she was as stern as she looked. But I think I've become somewhat a comical figure to her now cause she just sees me so often and usually I'm not sure of what I am doing. She even smiled at me today. Maybe she was smiling at my ignorance. Anyhow, it was much appreciated.
And then as I was standing outside the post office in the heat being continously rejected by the auto-wallahs a very old man with a kind face who was also posting a letter at the post office offered to give me a lift!! Now, THAT is unusual. I didn't accept his offer but it was a nice gesture. Seriously. When you think about it, NOBODY (in India at least!) does that! Unless of course they have the wrong intentions. And I believe this man was simply offering a nice gesture.
I try to make it a point to say Thanks to the auto guys. Sometimes I don't really mean it, but I say it anyway. Its weird, if there's anything I hate in Bangalore city, its the auto-guys and the passport office. But I realised today, that it really has nothing to do with them, but with me. Its my choice. I could get mad and fight, or I could just stay calm and assume the best. Its really my temper that needs to be dealt with and nothing else. I shock myself sometimes. Going out isn't easy. You have to wait around in the heat, in the pollution but its not that bad. It only is, when you assume the worst. There are good people in the world. Humanity isn't all rotten. And Chivalry still lives!
Build bridges, not walls.

P.S. Ignore all of that if it doesn't make any sense. I just had to write it down so it would make some sense to me!!

ARGHHHHH!

I am about to throttle the computer. Seriously. But then I'll just get throttled myself, so I guess there's no point.

First of all, for some stupid reason the internet just WOULD NOT connect for the last two days and then today I click something else and it just works. Which means that all I had to do the last two days, was click that something else, and it would have worked. SO mad. I guess I am supposed to learn something from this, but everything inside of me is yelling, "Lord, I am too stressed at the moment, to be able to take your little tests." I know, that's a completely and utterly wrong approach which makes me such an ass and so typical because that's just how it is. We know something is wrong and we still go ahead and do the stupid things. At least I know I do. I think my life is so demanding when it really isn't. What is wrong with me?

Sigh, calm down. Breathe. Patience is a virtue. Pray without ceasing. Count to ten.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ...

Long day out with the Hebronites!

Yesterday was a looooong day! I woke up at seven to my brother some lunch! And then by nine I was out of the house trying to find where on earth (or where on Infantry road) the Hebby artsy-fartsy’s were bunking for the weekend on their art field-trip. Anyways, so I finally did find them and after a little waiting Grace turned up in a van and we all piled in (it was a tight squeeze) and we were off to visit some art galleries. Why was there!?!? Because, you know, I’m a cultured person! Lol. Yeah and Grace insisted. But I did have a great time!! It was nice to be amongst such talent, I was hoping some of it would soak into me but I don’t think so! But it was quite interesting contrasting the way an artist’s mind works as opposed to mine! Saw some amazing stuff. Seriously the talent that is out there is just amazing!! And Grace’s paintings should be up there with them, seriously, she is nothing less.
Anyway, here are some pics:
Gallery one: Karnataka Chitrakala Parishat
We weren’t allowed to take any photos in their main galleries but they had some really great stuff from artists around the world with some Indian influence.
Here are some pics from another gallery:
Ye eun viewing
Sculpture work
Kat: “hee hee, this is MY painting! Can’t you tell!?!?”
The girls outside the gallery: Ye Eun, Kat and Emmy
More girls: Caroline, Grace, Ye Eun and Chrissy, one of the new, very sweet IG’s
“Oops that sound was my stomach, can we PLEASE go for lunch now!”
After spending the whole morning there, we were all ravished. And of course there were excited shouts of KFC, Pizza Hut and Macdonalds going around at which Grace and I just shook our head! So not appealing to us anymore!! Instead we had:
Appams and Prawn curry!! Yumscious!!
Gallery two: The G gallery, I think it was called.
Chrissy sketching.
Kat gathering inspiration.
The art teachers: relaxing!!
Michael and Grace discussing a painting. He really liked that one!

Give me a new song!!

I am soooo tired of all my old CDs cause I have heard them all way too many times and I just can’t seem to find any good new stuff. Well I have downloaded a few and I’ve been listening to some online radio but nothing is really appealing to me!! The few songs that I am really into now are Jojo’s new song ‘too little too late’ this song called ‘save the last dance for me’ by a bloke called Michael Buble, ‘Hopeful’ by twista and faith evan and ‘Nuisance’ by John Reuben over and over again cause I have nothing else to listen to so soon I will get bored of these too.

I need some new music!! Any suggestions? Do tell.

Life is Good. Yes it is.

Oh yeah, I forgot the main reason I had an urge to blog today was because I read something nice in my new translation of the Bible that I wanted to share. Before every book (in the Bible), Eugene H. Peterson who is the “author” of the Message (a contemporary rendering of the Bible from the original languages, crafted to present its tone, rhythm, events, and ideas in everyday language) writes up a little sort of blurb and this is what he writes about the psalms that I thought was interesting cause I’ve never really thought about them in this way and also recently I’ve been struggling with praying so this was really refreshing and encouraging.
Here are some extracts:

“The Psalms is a prayer book that gives us a language adequate for responding to the God who speaks to us.”

“The impulse to pray is deep within us, at the very center of our created being, and so practically anything will do to get us started – “Help!” and “Thanks!” are our basic prayers. But honesty and thoroughness don’t come quite as spontaneously”

“Faced with the prospect of conversation with a holy God who speaks worlds into being, it is not surprising that we have trouble. We feel awkward and out of place: “I’m not good enough for this. I’ll wait until I clean up my act and prove that I am a decent person.” (I don’t know about you guys, but I sure can relate to this one!) Or we excuse ourselves on the grounds that our vocabulary is inadequate: “Give me a few months – or years! – to practice prayers that are polished enough for a such a sacred meeting. Then I won’t feel so stuttery and ill at ease.”

“Prayer is elemental, not advanced language… It is the means by which we get everything in our lives out in the open before God.” (Not that He doesn’t know anyways, but He likes to hear it from us)
“And so in my Pastoral work of teaching people to pray, I started paraphrasing the Psalms into the rhythms and idiom of contemporary English. I wanted to provide men and women access to the immense range and the terrific energies or prayer in the kind of language that is most immediate to them, which also happens to be the language in which these psalm prayers were first expressed and written by David and his successors.

I continue to want to do that, convinced that only as we develop raw honesty and detailed thoroughness in our praying do we become whole, truly human in Jesus Christ, who also prayed the Psalms.”

Try it. Pray a psalm.

Later,

Home Alone (well, sort of)

Hey.
First of all, thanks all you guys for leaving comments. Its kinda sad to see that little counter saying zero but last time I checked it was 7!!! Which is really cool. I’m impressed. And don’t worry I’m not asking you to make a habit of it!!

Anyway, so I’m in Bangalore now, and here I shall stay until God gets me packing again. Ooty was great, as I think all of you have already gotten the drift of. I learnt a lot too. It wasn’t all easy, you know! People asking questions, having to explain the same thing over and over again, seeing places that have millions of memories attached… And what I learnt from all of that is that you gotta make a conscious decision to make the most out of each day. You gotta choose to be positive and take everything in with a smile and think its all good. Cause it really is. At the end of the day “we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good” (Romans 8:28 – The Message)
My mum’s off to Calcutta which means I get to do some cooking for myself and my poor brother who just nods and says its fine. So far I haven’t had any disastrous outcomes but haven’t had any masterpieces either. Put too much salt in dinner tonight. But it was still good. All I have to do is call up my mum and ask for some directions and then leave some space for amateur mistakes!!!
As I was telling Abhi yesterday, I kinda like having to do stuff for myself. It keeps me busy and I like being busy. I think that was possibly one of the hardest aspects of life after we left school. I was pretty much always busy at school; besides having so many classes, there was always a meeting here, a dorm fellowship there, tuck time and other dorm duties there and then trying to do prep, even though I may not have actually gotten it done at least I spent my time trying to do it!! And although having a schedule used to get annoying sometimes, it was actually a good thing cause I’ve seen that that is really the only way I can get things done.
So I am going back to the basics by making little things-to-do lists! So far I’ve done 5 and a half out of 9! Pretty good!

I'm back and I'm still convinced....

Infact, even more convinced that Ooty is the best place in the world!!

We had a really really really really realllllllly good time!! As I said before I left, I will be taking loads of photos and so I have. See the photos, I promise not to do too much writing cause I know many of you don't like that!! Just some captions! But it'll probably still be pretty long so you can skip the captions but please do leave a comment, I like comments and I know you all are too lazy to leave one... ;)

Oh and by the way, the dates on the photos are all wrong.

I think you all know that Grace and I went together. So Monday evening I went over to Grace's house where we caught up a little and then I had a look at some of the fantastic artwork she's been doing over the past couple of months. She's sooooo talented! And I also received a wonderful surprise there!! A while ago Grace promised to buy me the Message version of the Bible but didn't find it here in India so she got it for me from the Doulos which she got the chance to get on in Bangkok. Thank you soooo much Grace! I promise to read it as you said atleast twice (in a life time!!) he he he ;)

After we got ourselves some dinner we took a city taxi to the bus stand where we caught our bus up to ooty and guess what? We had that same conductor!! Sushi remember that guy who thought I was stealing the blanket?? Sheesh! I mean what are the chances!

We're in Ooty!!! A very bad shot from the bus, I was just itching to take photos of my darling Ooty-ka-booty!

The journey was terrible!! The roads have deteriorated drastically so that it felt more like were on a ship as the bus leaned from one side to the other as it went into the pot-holes. Pretty scary and very uncomfortable but hey we got there in one piece in time for prayer breakfast! Actually we missed the message from Mrs. Fairfield as we got a little carried away chatting with Mrs. Lian down at the Bushy's. But it was so great still. We were a little nervous to go into the staff room where prayer breakfast was but we had a great welcome. I got the greatest hug from Gail who leaped across the room and almost threw me over!! She was so surprised. That was the aim. YES! mission accomplished!!

At prayer breakfast. Me, looking very sleepy!! And I was, but oh-soooooooo-happy!!! Soooo good to see Gail!

Miss Bailles conducting the choir at lunch time (Tuesday). They sounded really good! We had Tuesday lunch at school and luckily enough it was my favourite - Chinese!! It was... well let's just say an accurate taste of the old days!! lol

Going up to have a chat with Mrs. George.

New classroom on top of the junior school roof top. Personally I don't really like it. I think they really need to stop building at school. I don't like this cause they're cutting short kiddies' play space!! Anyway, in this photo, a bunch of a'level girls are practising a dance for a dance competition this weekend! Can you believe that?!?! Dance competition at Hebron school!! They're really getting into it. I even got a whiff about dancing in P.E nowadays!!! pretty cool!

As I was peacefully sitting on the 'grassy knoll' my dorm kids who I keep having to remind myself are 8ers now came to bug me!! No I'm kidding, it was sooo good to see them. They're my little angels! This is Xan and me, proudly sporting our class of 2006 t-shirt!! Isn't she so cute!?

More of my beautiful girls. They're always so cheery, never fail to make me smile!

In the evening Miss Smith - oops, I mean 'Smeegs'! took us out to dinner to the punjabi dhaba where we had a good time catching up and hearing about all the new couples!! he he he ;) why do they always spark off in std. 13?!??!

Grace and Smeegs at Dhaba.

After dinner we popped up to Selborne to catch up with the 12ers. No wait, they're 13ers now!! Anyway, it was fantastic catching up with Gail, I've missed her so much!! And she showed me Krakatoa's 're-incarnate'!! And also videos of her beautiful niece Abigail and her beautiful sister's wedding. THAT was so nice, I just sat there and awwwwwwwed and squealed at the cuteness of it all!!! I just love weddings!

Those of you who don't know about Krakatoa. Well, his full name is Krakatoa Underpants (don't ask!) and he was Meg's little kettle that used to shake violently in the process of boiling water!! We left it for Gail to inherit after we left and wrote Gail's name allllllll over it but somehow Mrs. Keelty didn't see that and threw it away!! So Gail inherited Abi's instead and stuck up all these photos and a little obituary on it!! BAHAHAHAHA still makes me crack up!!

Us with Mrs. Lian. She's such a sweet heart! We had some good chats with her and she made our trip all that much better!!

Me and George in the good ol' study on Wednesday morning.

Wednesday morning Assembly, the std 12's took it and performed a hilarious skit. I was one of those that don't seem to have any point at all but apparentely there is a message!!

Just to show you that we DID do some work as well!! This is me stamping my certificates with the certified copy stamp in the staff room. We are allowed to sit in there now and eat their nice cookies and drink their nice tea!! So weird!!

At the Bushy's guest house. It was so convenient to be so close to school and that little flat is just so nice!! Lots of memories attached here too!! Sushi, Alva, Grace, Meg and I all stayed here for a night after Kovalam in Std. 13. Remember that?!?! That was fantastic fun!!

Grace eating Mrs. Lian's authentic chinese noodles!! She wasn't really as ravenous as she looks, the photo just came out really funny!!

Nahar's Garden Restaurant!!! A dosa meal was totally on our agenda! Couldn't miss that for the world!! Didn't even have to look at the menu... two cheese dosas, a plate of finger chips and two Earl Grey teas!! I know its cruel showing all you hebby people these photos but I just have to! Ajay, I did think of you when I was eating my dosa!! Aren't I sweet!?! And of course Adrian, how could we forget you, actually we were wishing you boys were there cause we couldn't really finish our meal!!! Meg, had a cup of Earl Grey tea in honour of you!!

Modern Stores' new look!

The odd ones out!

Wednesday evening Grace and I joined an evening Bible Study and Dinner at the Menon's house. It was kinda weird being there. First of all because Tashu wasn't there and secondly there were sooo many staff and loads of other St. Stephen's church people. But it was really good. Some thought-provoking discussions, some singing and of course good food!

After that, we went up to Selborne again and I did some more hanging out in Gail's room, and chatted with some of the other 12er... ah whatever, they're still 12ers to me!!!

Me and Gail doing a timer shot on her bed!!

A familiar looking scene: Food in the middle, people around!! I love the look, Gail!!

Wednesday night, we got a little hyper with the excitement of being on Ooty streets at 11:30 at night, an experience that we had never had, well not alone at least. So we did a few crazy things like...

Taking photos of our shadows!

Standing in the middle of the road!

And then playing a Notebook scene!! He he he. Yup we went a little crazy and decided to lie in the middle of the road at the risk of being run over. One close call but we're alive!!

Us at the Bushy's flat in our Class of 2006 t-shirts. Nicely enough both of us brought different colours!

Thursday morning after I managed to get all my application stuff out of the way, I went to visit the art room and check out some of the fantastic stuff in there and also got the chance to see some of the A'level stuff again cause it all got back on Monday.

And then of course I had to go down to the Adventure playground and this is how it stands now. Its pretty cool!! Well done Student Council!!!

From the art room.

Dedication.

Way up here!

Thursday lunch time: A view from the swings! Hasn't changed at all!

Me sitting in between the two biggest guys in school!! It was good to catch up with them.

Lunch: Thai noodles!!

Ben and Sam in the prefect's room! Yup, they haven't changed one bit!!

Thursday evening Grace and I took a trip to JSS public school cause there's a bunch of Korean kids who are having a hard time so Grace just wanted to have a chat with them. The school is huge. Beautiful campus but there's seemed to be something missing. But I suppose I am biased and spoilt having lived at Hebby!